It makes me genuinely sad when people ask why I get so offended or hurt when a friend who develops feelings for me stops being my friend after I turn them down or when a man no longer has an interest in talking to me or knowing me when I turn them down. I understand the argument for them. They are hurt and they retreat. It makes sense. Except when you think about the wonderful people you know and you realize you are glad you know them and you know that if you thought someone was wonderful for real reasons, you wouldn’t just suddenly not care to know about their existence.

A man lists to you all of the reasons he loves you or pines for you or is interested in you or has affection for you. You swell up (whether you are interested in him or not) because it is just sweet to hear and you think it’s just kindness so you’re very grateful. But when you are honest and gentle and spend hours tenderly choosing which words to say so that you do not hurt them anymore and so that they get the response you once believed they really deserved, they say that you have toyed with them and teased them and that they cannot bear to be your friend. They realize you are not going to fulfill them in the way that they’d wished and that their pride being damaged when they found out you did not desire them romantically was more important than maintaining any communication with you, was more important than knowing you. From this response, you cannot help but surmise that they:

• Thought you were a pretty thing they could have…emphasis on THING
• They see you as their idea of what a woman should or should not be and what a woman can and cannot do and how a woman should or should not think about men and you may not escape this view because they can think of you however they wish and they likely always will. A man who sees a woman as a thing they can own or have can do anything they want to her because when you see a human being as an object, you have no reason not to treat them like one (this is how we come across physical, verbal and sexual assault, violence, pedophilia, murder, recklessness, rape, etc. etc.)  You can own an object. You can manipulate an object. You can change an object. You can use an object. You can dispose of an object. It is just an object. As far as you know or believe or allow yourself to accept, IT does not feel or think or care or cry or deserve anything… it is just an it and it is yours.
• Frankly, do not give a damn if you are a person outside of being their significant other. Oh, you have thoughts and interests? I pretended they  were important when I thought I could obtain you but we both know that most importantly, you are a woman, a sexual creature, an attractive thing. It consumes you. You are a woman and it does not matter what else you are. You are a woman. You are just a woman.
• You do not care about me if you cannot have me. Your interest in me was only because I am attractive. I was pretty, you saw me, you pursued me, I turned you down and I am now a tease because I was pretty and I did not let you have me. How dare I! I am a whore and you are my toy. I wore a skirt, I smiled, I was kind. How dare I!

I explained this to my good friend when he asked why I was so sad over these occurrences. He chuckled and said, “Well, when you put it that way, it sounds so awful..” And I guess it does.. but if you really think about it, there is no other way to put it.

Wearing a sleeveless blouse for the first time since I was eighty pounds. I have continued to tell myself that my arms are not arms that should ever be seen and I’ve been super ashamed and disgusted by them. I’m super uncomfortable but I put on the blouse (which, by the way, is flawless) and my arms aren’t so bad and it’s hot out and I look like a pin-up babe today so I’m not going to let me ruin it for myself.

This is sort of a big deal for me and a huge step further and further from my ED.